For those of you that don’t know him, he seems like a pretty awesome guy. I have only spoken with him minimally but after one of his recent post, I am starting to realize he and I have a lot more in common than I previously thought. He made a post basically about how, in his personal experience, he views himself as being practically invisible (paraphrasing a lot here) to the bear community and how they actually prefer chasers as a whole. I would be interested in seeing a poll to see what body type in in fact the most desirable amongst the community. I digress tho, that isn’t the real point of this post.

It got me thinking about how similar, but vastly different our views of what’s ‘desired’ in the bear community actually are.

When I first came out I moved to CO. I had a hellish upbringing in school (from 4th grade through my senior year) and I was outted unwillingly in 9th grade. I will save the details, but when I graduated it was apparent I needed a new start. Being freshly out to the scene and part of the technological age, I made friends online in various places. I always knew I was into bears/cubs but I never knew the technical terms until about this time. I discovered a ‘wonderful’ site that we all know and cherish, bear411. At the time I discovered 411, I was 18 and 130lbs (I am 5’9” for those wanting to have a height comparison to go with the weight.. or lack there of.) It took me approx. 8 submissions to b411 before my profile actually was approved. It was only approved because I posted a pic of me and a chubby friend as the main. A few months later my profile was magically deleted when I tried to change the main pic back to one of just myself (a ‘chaser’.)

Fast forward a bit; I was in Denver now. By this time, I had made a pretty good friend base, however I was only able to make friends with the chub/chaser community. Every time I would try to befriend a ‘bear’ I would be treated as a leaper. I was poison to the community. They called me a twink and told me to go elsewhere. This was aggravating and I didn’t understand why a community that was so niche and ridiculed would want to push people trying to befriend them away. Needless to say, I gave up.  I moved back to Tampa a year later.

After I moved back to Tampa, I gave b411 another shot. My profile WAS accepted, and only after two attempts. There I met my ex. He was definitely a bear for lack of a better term. He introduced me to friends of his in the bear community, and once again I was shunned. It was a mixture of my age and my general body type. The community seemed to be the same down here as it was in Denver. A few weeks later every time I logged into 411, I would receive multiple hate messages. In a nutshell, I would get messages from people telling me that twinks weren’t welcome and for me to stop tainting their community. I ignored the messages but it did weigh in the back of my mind. I realized that the only way I would be accepted into the bear community was to beef up. Since then (2004) I have went from 140lbs to my current weight of 200 (mostly a result of WoW haha). I consider myself a cub, (tho some call me an otter.) I am still to this day trying to bulk up (I would ultimately like a muscle-cub build, tho due to genetics and procrastination I don’t know if I will get there or not.) While I am still hardly viewed as anything desirable and I will get messages saying that they appreciate my compliments but I am too small for their liking; That I am not “bear” or “cub” enough; I do see a drastic change in tolerance since I have put on the weight and filled out. I DO see that more people will compliment me and woof at me now. I DO see that people will look at my profile and I also don’t feel like as much of an outcast amongst the community. I am not shunned or made to feel unwelcome, and I will gladly take that over my previous experiences.

I find it funny that both myself, and Strongbear, endured similar ridicule and he and I have both undergone body transformations for what we both saw as a way to gain acceptance amongst the bears… yet the outcome is so very different. He sees the community as like chasers. I see them as liking bears/cubs.  I am sure location does have a bit to do with it, however with online sites and apps like Scruff and Growlr, the distance lines are becoming less and less defined.  

All in all, I really don’t think people should be so judgmental… especially when we as a community are a minority in the midst of a larger minority group lol. Oh, and for the record, I think you’re fucking gorgeous Jake. So does my hubby and pretty much everyone else that I know (all are bears/cubs/chubs.) In the end, it doesn’t matter anyways. As long as you are happy with yourself, fuck everyone else. DO what you do because it makes you happy, not because it makes others happy. That is a lesson that took me years to learn but I am much better off for it.